Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes. And Ass Kicking.

Well, it's been a hell of a year. Lots of changes, pretty much all of them good. I've had a huge number of realizations —I can't really describe them any other way—and have, it seems, almost daily made connections about myself and life that have eluded me til this year. It's been great, but it's also kicked my ass. I doubt that the next year (or the years to follow) will lessen my revelatory pace, but I'm exhausted. It' been a trying year, as well, what with the loss of my job and the associated stress (nothing like coming to the very edge of the waterfall, only to see a lifeline and grab it); it's exhilarating, sure, but I'm tired in a way that I haven't been for years. Like since high school.

Speaking of high school, this year's been a lot like a rehash of that. A lot like a condensed version of high school, actually. Strange dating experiences (often, I would find myself thinking, "what am I doing here again?"), some angst (mostly about getting older and the feeling that my life was somehow over, even though it was really only starting), confusion about a boundless number of subjects, but mostly about what I'm going to do with my life, (starting over again, it turns out, but that's the same as starting out; it's actually more daunting, cuz you realize how many places you can fail, which is knowledge you don't possess the first time out) and then graduation and the boundless sense of freedom and possibilities that comes with that.

There's still a lot I have to figure out, but I'm looking forward to it, probably really for the first time in my life. There's a lot of folks I need to thank, a lot of people whom I'm thankful to know and to have in my life. I have never been one to want to live someone else's life or even change the life I've had and now is no exception. I can only ope to get a moment's respite so that I can recharge and bash on in the year ahead. It's gonna be a hell of a ride and I can't wait!

Peace y'all!

What Do I Wanna Be When I Grow Up?

All this time off has forced me to really sit down and figure out what the hell I want to be when I grow up. It's probably an outgrowth of my turning 40—which, I'm shocked and a bit horrified to realize, is about 60 days away! Holy crap! Should I have a party? Should I run and hide?—but it's still a weird concept for me. I mean, I just a few months ago realized what I don't wanna do:

• Work in your average "corporate American" office. The need to look busy cuz otherwise you're not productive pisses me off.
• Work with more God-complex technology people. Grown up geeks tend to really exude that holier-than-thou vibe; look, it's not my fault you were geeky in adolescence and couldn't find a girlfriend and/or beer/other drug. I did and turned out (relatively) fine. Take your "my kung-fu iz teh hax0r and u r lame" and peddle it to some beta-male geek. I'll likely as not insult you or just kick your ass. Cuz I can. And cuz plenty of other people who know you would applaud if I did.
• Work a technology job like it means something to me other than a paycheck; tech jobs have done fine by me in the money area, but they don't feed my soul and I've realized in the past few months that my soul is fuckin starvin! It drove me out of my last job in search of sustsustenance...

So, what do I wanna do? That was what the wine class and the voiceover class were for. And, I gotta tell ya, the wine stuff strikes a chord in me. And not just cuz you get paid to drink wine, either (although that is a nice perk). I can see myself as a wine curator (that's the person who stocks the wine cellar; well, more than that, but it's as into the topic as I'll get here) for somewhere like Cru or Craft. That would really rock my world, I think. If only I could figure out a way to get something like that going. See, I have too much accumulated stuff and debt to just drop everything and do that. I need a plan. And a job..... But, I guess I've got step 1 (get a job) and step 2 (make a career change plan), which is better off than I was 3 months ago.... Man, there's a change in me evident right there: a year ago, I'd be all pissin n moanin about shit and not be able to see a positive or bright side. So change is possible! Amazing!